Happy Columbus Day! (written 10/10/05)

I've always had a shopping problem. No, not really an addiction where one can't help buying everything in sight; I'd say mine is more of a "looking" problem, one that limits my life and which I'm working hard on overcoming. I get depressed easily in malls and other stores -- it's all too easy to feel like there's all this stuff I should be able to afford and just can't because I don't ever have enough money. I don't know that at this point in my life, if I earned twice as much salary as I do currently, that I wouldn't still feel that there wasn't enough money to buy what (I think) I want. And therein lies the feelings of discontent and dissatisfaction in looking at all the things available to buy.

I think the problem was rooted in not having much as a child, and grew through my alignment with persons with unhealthy spending habits. We were raised on little money, and I have quite a few memories of not being able to purchase something I wanted -- not because it wouldn't have been good for me, but simply due to lack of available funds. I was taught to be content with what we had, and due to limited television watching and the dearth of shopping malls, I think I was fairly content at that time.

As I grew older and started working after college, though, and had at least somewhat of a disposable income, I began to hunger for "things." I started to like shopping, and found it quite difficult to resist impulse purchases. My ex-husband, unfortunately, subscribed to the same mindset, and we soon found ourselves deep in credit card debt. We did work our way out of debt through consumer counseling, and I vowed that never again would I be in debt for something I couldn't drive or live in; never again would I let those nasty little pieces of plastic reside in my world and wallet.

I held to my resolve for a number of years, I can proudly say; monthly expenses involved only car and house payments and utilities. I was earning more money than ever and had, not one, but two savings and investment accounts. Discouragingly, though, my resolve wavered a couple of years ago due to a variety of reasons; at this point I cannot dwell on the causes or place blame or make excuses. I can only work forward in changing (again) my money attitude and spending habits.

I'm viewing this new attitude not as depriving myself of something (which was always my fall-back viewpoint in the past, and thus a valid -- in my mind -- reason to buy myself something), but as a problem I'm freeing myself from. I will have the freedom to shop and not feel compelled to spend because the item is available; I'll be able to give myself occasional treats that I've truly earned through good financial stewardship. And I'll stop wanting what isn't worth trading my day at work for.

Thoughts for the day - 10.11.05

** The dichotomy between OCD and the Piscean brain is a delicious and intriguing one. On the one hand, my OCD leaning prompts me to create an orderly, lined-up neat stack for the love of perfection; on the other, my Piscean mind tells me to scatter it all to the four winds for the mystery of how the pieces will land and what shape they will now take.

** Belief is a powerful thing. Why do so many allow their belief to effect negative changes upon themselves, but discount the ability to similary effect a change for the positive? Every event experienced has the potential to be seen to have a positive or negative effect upon oneself. Why are we content to let so many of those effects be negative, rather than making the choice to let this event improve us and our view of the universe?

** If practice (as noun) is the path along which you travel on your earthly journey toward self-mastery and true enlightenment, then plateaus in growth are simply a flat piece of road (i.e., Kansas) on the way to the glorious mountains (i.e., Colorado). You can choose to see Kansas as a boring land of unbroken flat earth, or as a marvel of production, through the abundant wheatfields and endless horizon.

** Life is easy. Anyone can do it; witness the billions of humans on the planet today. Actually living is a much more difficult task, and involves opening oneself both to the external higher power and internal subconscious mind that provide the means and manner by which to fully live.

** I've always been very independent, and always saw that as a positive trait. I'm learning, however, that "independence" may well equate with "stubbornness," and is likely what has caused many a conflict with the authorities in past employment, and in my larger life. I am now being granted the chance (and choice) to re-make the idea of independence I've always held, into more a version of interdependence than a strict "I can do it all by myself" attitude.

** There is a minute balancing act ever at work between being fully engaged in the present "now" and in keeping an eye to the future and the goals one is working to obtain.

** There is always a reckoning to be had. As we do not live and make choices within a vacuum, there are by necessity (and through the fundamental interconnectedness of the universe and everything - thank you, Mr. Adams) consequences to the manner in which we choose to create our reality. We cannot expect to choose death and receive life, for instance, or to fill ourselves with negative emotions and behaviours and expect to reap peace. Society teaches today, however, that one does not need to take ownership of personal choices; rather, there is always someone "up the line" to empower as ultimately responsible when we don't feel the need to live by our decisions.

Thoughts for the day - 10.6.05

** Not everything that I write will be a masterpiece (as is the case with every writer), but I am content to "practice" writing for the sheer love of putting down thought to paper -- and in the meantime, I am always searching for that magnificent piece that I will be truly, completely thrilled about writing.

** The "beginner's mind" truly opens us to the opportunities that exist in life -- each new thing learned raises more possibilities; an endless spiderwebbing of paths is then available to tread. If one path dead-ends, no problem -- there will always be another, with even more chances and opportunities awaiting.

** Imaging if you will (or can) a world where the majority of humanity is tuned in and tapping into their inner resources of power, a world where true consciousness of self reigns and is freely utilized. This world would have no need of heavy governance; awareness of self and others would forestall much need of punishment. Such a world would look much like the anarchist ideal -- each person treating the other with respect and forgiveness, without blame or excuse, taking only what was needed and contributing to the larger good of mankind.

** Edison said about his early attempts to create the electric light bulb: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Since no one makes it out of life alive, with a best-selling self-help book to tell about the experience, there is no one person to tell you the "right" choice to make at every crossroads; there is no blueprint that sets out the direction or flavor your life is to take. Life is what you make of the past, present, and future, blending failures and successes into a worthwhile, truly alive existence. Failures are no less important than successes; a success teaches you what you did right, but if you've done it right once, there is no more to learn from that experience. A failure, on the other hand, can be studied and tweaked or even completely discarded and overhauled, and thus provides a myriad of opportunities to learn from.